Caretaking & emotional caretaking

Caretaking and Helping are easily confused. Both have the same intention: we care about someone and we want them to feel better. But, there is a very clear way to figure out whether we are caretaking or helping: look to potential future resentment. If we can see resentment around the corner by helping them (because we have a lot to do today), then it is a caretake. Or we will be annoyed if they do not take our great advice after we listened to them vent about the same person yet again, then we are caretaking.

Resentment:
Resentment starts off small, but grows exponentially larger over time. Resentment may be a mild annoyance or irritation, that we can shrug off, or talk ourselves out of being annoyed by understanding the other person’s perspective [Emotional Caretake].  Over time, the residual annoyances pile up and turn into full on anger or rage.
Resentment is to be avoided.
1. Melody Beattie warns Resentment eventually will destroy any relationship. This is due to what I call "The Law of Resentment." It is Illogical, but it is incredibly simple:
However resentful I am towards a person, that person is at least as resentful towards me.*
2. Resentment cannot be clearly gauged: we may think we are fine one day, and the next we are furious; we never know what will be the last straw that leads to the end of the relationship (“detaching out of anger”). This is also why we falsely think a relationship can handle more resentment that it can.

In the "Detachment" chapter of Codependent No More Melody Beattie says the solution to avoiding resentment is to have healthy boundaries and to “Detach. Detach in love, or detach in anger, but strive for detachment."

I have described arguments in a relationship as taking a sledgehammer to a brick wall. Depending on the intensity of the argument/ the regrettable words spoken, it can be a tap to the wall, or several furious blows. With enough hits, any wall will come down. Resentment is the same. After all, what leads to yelling and arguing other than built up resentment?

Caretaking and Emotional Caretaking:
The simplest way to define Caretaking is to do something for someone who is capable of either doing that thing for themself, or they are capable of learning to do that thing for themself.
Caretake = “I have to do this for them b/c they can’t do it/ they’re not able to LEARN to do it.”

Emotional Caretaking is the idea that a person is either not capable of managing their emotions, or not capable of learning to manage their emotions.
Emotional Caretake = walking on eggshells to avoid dealing w/ their strong emotional response/ words. *This involves Mind Reading.
       “I have to watch what I say to them because they cannot handle the truth / they cannot (LEARN TO) manage their emotions.”

Mind Reading is impossible. Some people can be quite accurate at times. But no one is a mind reader, and mind reading is never more accurate than the person explaining what they are thinking and feeling. To expect someone to mind read us is to set ourselves up for disappointment. Expectations can only be met when we explain to another what it is we want or need from them. If we say, “They should know what I want by now,” (no matter how long we have known them) we are expecting them to mind read, and setting ourselves up to be hurt.

I know that it does not feel this way, but I promise you that there are few adults in the world who are not capable of learning to manage their emotions. OR, who are not capable of learning to do things for themselves. I also know that there are capable people (teens and adults) in our lives who will fight us and demand we (emotionally) Caretake them. But, this is not empowering them to grow. It is enabling them to stay stuck. If we love someone, we want them to be the best they can be.

Why to stop CARETAKING & EMOTIONAL CARETAKING:
1. It DISempowers the person to learn and grow: Ask yourself, “If the person cannot do it, can they not learn to do it?” If they can learn, then we are caretaking them if we do it for them.
                                 
2. I AM PUTTING THEIR NEEDS/ WANTS AHEAD OF MY OWN. This is not healthy to do for any capable person (child, teen or adult).

3. #2 Breeds Resentment, and Resentment eventually destroys all relationships.* The challenge with resentment is that it starts off small, but grows large much quicker than we expect it to because of the "Law of Resentment:" However resentful I am towards a person, that person is at least as resentful towards me.

*[See "The Law of Resentment" for an in-depth explanation]