Resolved Conflicts Bring People Closer Together:

Arguments seem to take place on the surface level (they are focused on the Quantifiable): Tit for Tat, Winning the discussion, making the person wrong so I get to be right, etc.
These are all Valid reasons to argue; but real connection and resolution probably cannot come from this.

Connection is the QUALitative realm. Emotions and Body sensations are Qualitative (and Spiritual).

Somewhere over the years of work, it clicked for me that the best shot we have of someone changing their behavior is if they understand the emotional impact their behavior has on us. -It is not easy to change default behaviors/ bad habits because they’re not (very) conscious. We just do it...
The first step to breaking a bad habit is that we must become conscious of it. This begins the learning process. Now, we begin to catch ourself doing it (typically right after) -“Dammit! I did it again!” With increased awareness, our motivation to break the bad habit grows.
Knowing how this behavior negatively impacts someone I care about further increases my motivation to change.
Knowing that my Default behavior negatively impacts my partner AND hurts OUR Shared goals… now I Finally have Real incentive to want to change my unhelpful behaviors.

Having a QUALitative conversation or argument focusing on the Emotions and Shared Goals is far more likely to be resolved, and leave both people feeling closer than before.

I visualize this idea as Water.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Surface Level~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QUANTifiable = my Negative Skipping Records being Triggered
                                                                   "I am constantly cleaning up after you!"

                               Deeper below the surface is the QUALitative level.
QUALitative = my EMOTIONS created from my Negative Records
                                                           "I'm not feeling Loved, Appreciated or Respected."
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                                           I can also see this as a human Body.
The QUANTifiable level is the head or neck of a person. QUANTifiable is cerebral; debating an argument and overthinking. By telling someone “You did this…” or being only focused on winning an argument, we are DISconnecting from our partner.

The QUALitative level is the chest and stomach; it is our Emotions, our Shared Goals and it is creating and maintaining Connection.

Reflective/ Active Listening is a skill that takes work to get good at. The two deepest levels of Active/ Reflective listening are:
1) Summarizing what a person says and identifying correctly the most important part they said.
2) Going beyond their words to correctly identify their emotions under the surface (Empathize).

To have a QUALitative conflict, we must be able to identify our own emotions under our words. We must learn to Empathize with Ourselves in order to cut through the QUANtifiable, and Realize what Emotions got triggered in me and Why.

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