Self-Compassion by kristin neff

Here are some takeaways I recently had from going through Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff for the 4th or 5th read (anything without italics are her words):

Self compassion =  “We stop to recognize our own suffering.” (p 10)

I of course have to be like everyone else and take something terrific and make it more complicated... In this process for myself, I found the most effective way to break my shame spiraling in the moment is by reversing the order she identified to be self-compassionate. I think the reason for this is because a shame spiral is all Cognitive (QUANTifiable) and we are lost in overwhelming, critical thinking. In order to break this thinking pattern, we must connect to the QUALitative realm by feeling our body parts that are hurting. This is what Neff calls Mindfulness:

III. MINDFULNESS (p. 80)
Clear seeing and Non-judgemental Acceptance of what’s occurring in this present moment. (No Denial/ Avoiding/ Distracting)
**Our mind tends to focus on the Inadequacy/ Failure itself, rather than the Pain caused by the Failure. ["Doing my Part" for Future Unknowns]
“We are surprisingly brusque toward ourselves when the more general circumstances of life go wrong through NO fault of our own.” (p.81) [Beyond my Control for Future Unknowns]

Neff's Mindfulness Strategy is to have Awareness of the Physical and Emotional pain my Thoughts are creating:
“I’m feeling ____ because ________.”
“This thought/ judgement about ______ is creating ______ in my body.”**

II. RECOGNIZE COMMON HUMANITY (p. 61)
Recognizing that this physical and emotional pain I am feeling for my mistakes is just like the pain other people have from their own judgements is CONNECTING myself instead of isolating. Shame isolates.

“Feelings of inadequacy and disappointment are felt by all.”
“Everyone suffers: the pain I feel in difficult times is the same pain you feel in difficult times.”
“Failure is a part of the shared human experience” (p. 65)

Recognizing our shared experiences of pain and suffering from her quotes above CONNECT us to the world.

"Self-Pity VS Common Humanity"
Neff refers to "Self-pity" or “woe is me” thinking as to what I think is really Shame. She warns that "Self-Pity" leads to feeling isolated and alone, and "Common Humanity" is the way to remain feeling connected.

Our Overly Critical Voice (OCV)  is beating ourselves up for the mistakes we are making and all the things we Should or Should not be doing. Aka. We are shaming ourselves. This leads to our Not wanting to be Vulnerable, so we shut down/ Disconnect, isolate (We never share our shame), and eventually we feel alone and stuck.

Common Humanity creates Connection by recognizing we are Not Alone:
“Every human fails.”
“Every human feels not good enough at times.”
“Everyone is mad at themselves for making the same mistakes over and over.”
“Everyone goes to I quit mode.”
“Every human wants to put up their emotional walls and not be vulnerable at times.”
“Everyone wants to disconnect and hide sometimes. This is shame.”

I. SELF-KINDNESS (p 42)
1. Stop my constant self-judgement
2. Understand our ongoing Mistakes instead of condemning them.
3. Understanding how much we harm ourselves with relentless self-criticism (OCV)
4. Actively Comfort ourselves:
“This is really difficult for you right now. How can I care for and comfort myself in this moment.”

Being Fair to Myself:
The Goal is to be Fair to ourselves by balancing out our OCV with self-compassion/ self-love. This does not mean we have to lower our OCV per se. In fact if we try to push it down, it probably will just get louder (What we Resist, Persists).
1. FEEL how incredibly painful it feels in my body right now listening to the OCV’s anger/ disappointment for my Mistake(s).
2. Recognize Quantifiably and QUALitatively Every Human feels this pain for the same reasons at some point in time.

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