No bad parts, the pendulum & Self-Compassion

This is a brief summary of the concepts in the book No Bad Parts by Dr Richard Schwartz, and how these ideas from Internal Family Systems (IFS) relate to previously discussed concepts in the Updates section of this website. Anything in here that discusses "Parts" comes from me explaining Schwartz’s ideas that he has been developing for at least 40 years. I would highly encourage you to read the book for yourself. There are amazing guided meditations and transcripts of IFS therapy sessions to see how to begin to Reconcile with our parts. I have listed some page numbers from No Bad Parts to make it easier to reference.

There are many parts inside of us, though there are only 3 Roles these parts can play:

1. Managers (Protectors) [pg 76]. Managers take a ProActive approach to Avoid/ Distract/ Numb out/ Prevent exiles from getting triggered. Managers are the ones planning everything out. They are focused on Future thinking. Which in turn means the major emotional byproduct they create is Anxiety.

Managers “intentions are good, but their strategy is flawed.”
Managers are Protecting our Wounded Inner Child (aka. “Exile”) from being Emotionally (and/ or Physically) Hurt again. Managers do this by keeping emotional walls up. Lack of Vulnerability/ DISconnection is the Consequence.
The Overly Critical Voice (OCV) or “Inner Critic” is a Manager/ Protector that Shames our Parts [Neff refers to as the “Stick Method”].
Managers Caretake/ People Please

2. Exiles [pg 73]
Most of our exiles are Wounded Inner Children. Though some will likely be Tweens, Teens and Adult aged exiles.
Every Negative Record we have as our Default way of thinking comes from an Exile that has been stuck for many, many years, and has been protected by Managers and Firefighters ever since. “Managers are parentified inner children … They are trying to keep the world safe for our exiles while at the same time keeping our exiles contained (pg 77). [Think about the Shadow Monster Drawing].
*Schwartz explains Some Exiles could have been Managers or Firefighters: We used previously effective strategy, but then we hurt someone we cared about/ got in trouble, so we exiled this Part as a response.

3. Firefighters [pg 77].
Firefighters take a ReActive approach after an Exile gets triggered (aka. We’re Erupting) and Emotional Overwhelm ensues, Firefighters will do whatever it takes Contain the Emotional flames. This tends to be our go to means to numb out: TV, screens, alcohol, substances, sex, focusing on someone other than ourselves, etc.
Schwartz explains that is common for Managers to adopt Firefighters’ effective ReActive Unhealthy Coping Skills to ProActively Disconnect/ Numb out to avoid Emotional Overwhelm (an Exile) getting triggered all together [pg 86].

                                            The Pendulum analogy:
                                                          <——->
                           MANAGERS    <——-------—>    FIREFIGHTERS
         Overly Critical Voice     <——----------------—>   Overly Lax Voice / “I Quit!” Mode  
  Anxiety/ Shame           <——-------------------------—>              Hopelessness & Depression

Once a Firefighter is in charge, the Manager cannot regain control. The Pendulum (see "Learning To Parent Oneself" post from 7/1/2020) has fully swung to “I Quit Mode” and the Overly Critical Manager cannot do anything but wait it out. The whole time the Firefighter is running the show, the Manager is still  criticizing anything and everything, but that is all in the background (unconscious).
It is only when the Firefighter relinquishes control that we feel the physical and emotional pain from the Manager’s judgements. For me, this is being woken up before my alarm with a pit in my stomach. My Overly Critical Manager is back in control callously pointing out me of all the things I Should have been doing last night instead of watching hours of TV.

Kristen Neff would suggest at this point to have self compassion for ourselves by going in reverse order: III, II, I (see post below from 10/10/2023). This is a very effective way to ReActively get out of a shame spiral.
Shame is all Quantifiable (mental) energy, and the way out of a Shame spiral according to Neff is feeling the Pain the Shaming creates in our bodies and our emotions.
Richard Schwartz supports the same approach: reconciling with our Parts to calm them down, and eventually kindly and firmly have the Self affirm it is time for it to run things.

The Self = Our Parts are blocking our True Self from coming through [the “Carrot” approach]. Schwartz cites Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff in No Bad Parts and supports it. He disagrees with one thing though. He says Neff’s approach views self-compassion as a skill or muscle that we must build up. For those of us with a very strong Overly Critical Voice (OCV) or Inner Critic, this can be a very daunting task because we have a long road to undo our default to criticize and supplement it with self-compassion. Schwartz says that The Self naturally has love and compassion for ourselves. We just need to reconcile with our parts, and the self compassion will flow naturally.

How to Reconcile and Join with our Parts:
Self-Compassion and Love is the Goal.

Schwartz explains our Parts are blocking our True Self from coming through to lead us. We have ignored, neglected, abandoned, hated and tried to cut out our parts for decades! They have very good reason not to Trust that we now are able to run the show. If we join with our parts by reintroducing ourselves to them, apologize and explain that we want to build back Trust, we can allow our True Self to flow through us naturally.

Schwarz is very clear: Never bypass a Protector. He explains in the book how he and clients learned the hard way what happens when you work with an Exile without getting permission from Managers and Firefighters. We must slowly build back the trust with all parts at their pace.

The LOVE ECRonym is a way to rejoin with our UnTrusting Parts.
We must Earn back their Trust. [The 5 Apology Languages by Chapman may be helpful strategy to properly apologize to our Parts as well].
L
O
V =
E
C = “Your intention is good, but your strategy is unfortunately flawed. QUANTifiable attempts will never solve this QUALitative Solution.”

R