"Your intention is good, but your strategy is flawed"

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As he intentionally called the book No Bad Parts, Richard Schwartz believes all Parts are well intended. He is very clear to distinguish Actions from Intentions, and that he does not condone the Actions and Words of People and their Parts that have harmed others. He does believe that though all Parts have flawed strategies, they are just trying to help in their own misguided ways. 

In Introduction to Internal Family Systems, Schwartz identifies  reoccurring roles of "Parts" he has seen time and time again over the past +40 years since creating IFS. He explains there are more roles that exist, but these 6 roles are the most common. The page numbers I reference are pages in the second edition of Introduction to IFS.
Note: I added a 7th role, which I named the "Anxious Part." I am not claiming there should be an Anxious Part acknowledged by IFS or Schwartz. I just know this Anxious Part very well in myself and others. I think it is possible the "Anxious Part" is encompassed in one or more of the 6 roles Schwartz identified. I'm still trying to figure that out. I just know how  to resolve the Anxious Parts' concerns through what I have named "Future Unknowns," so I added this role.

1.  “Approval Seekers” (p 110) =  People Pleaser (Inner Critic #1)
Good Intention:
You want me to feel good. You want me to believe I am _____ enough. Feeling like I am in people’s good graces keeps me feeling safe and in control of things I have no control over. 
                       Will my boss fire me?
                            Will my partner ever leave me?
                                 Do my friends really like me for me? Or who they think I am?
                                      Will my parents still take care of me? Love me?

Flawed strategy: 
*Please read Daring Greatly by Brené Brown for an in depth, evidence-based explanation
a) This is a Shame strategy via Comparing to External measures. External Validation "to be good enough" will never measure up.
b) Imposter Syndrome: “People only like me because I am doing or saying the things I think I am supposed to do. If they knew the REAL me, they would not like me.”
c) Setting us up to Fail: Promising things we can't achieve because we're scared to disappoint people.
d) Setting people up to be disappointed in us because we said “Yes” to things we were scared to say “No” to.
e) We're overwhelmed because we agreed to do too many things. This creates Resentment by all parties.

Replacement Strategies:
SHAME LOVE ECRonym
a) "It's ok to say” No." Saying No for my Healthy Reasonable boundaries sets us up to Succeed and minimizes people’s disappointment in us.
b) Healthy Reasonable Boundaries minimize RESENTMENT between me and others

2. “Taskmasters” (p 110) = Box Checking to measure up to my Internal Standards                                                        [Inner Critic #2]
Good Intention:
You just want me to do the things to be successful. You are amazing at identifying all the steps to do to measure up! You are my biggest champion! You believe in my potential more than any other Part and any other person in my life. You push me because you believe in me and know I can achieve these goals. 

Flawed strategy:
*Please read Daring Greatly by Brené Brown for an in depth, evidence-based explanation
You create an ASHAMED and HOPELESS EXILE(S)
a) Shame via comparing: I will NEVER measure up to my own standard  = “You’re NOT FAIR!” —>  I quit.
b) Quantifiable Attempts to solve a QUALitative Problem. It does not matter how many boxes I Check, I will never FEEL good enough. 

3. “Pessimist” (p 111) = An Ashamed and Hopeless Exile from #1 and/ or #2 shaming us.
Good Intention: You’re just trying to protect me. You don’t want me to embarrass myself. You don’t want me to draw too much attention to myself and then IF/ When I make a mistake, People will make fun of me.
Flawed strategy: 
a) I’m HOPELESS                                         d) Lack of Vulnerability is a self-fulfilling prophecy 
b) I’m scared to try                                     e) I’m not living up to my potential 
c) I’m keeping myself small and meek    f) “No risk, no reward.”

4. “Caregiver” (p 113) = Caretaking / Emotional Caretaking Part in Codependent terms 
Good Intention: You are protecting us from shame and not enoughness. 
a) Caretaking: You’re just trying to help. Acts of Service probably is your Love Language too! If we do these things for people, then we will make them happy. They will think we are a good partner, friend, child, employee. 
b) Emotional Caretaking:  You don’t want to upset them. If we upset them, then they won't like/ love us. You don’t want to ruin a nice moment by bringing up a thing we know will upset them. They might not even answer honestly if we ask them; and we think we are a really good mindreader anyways. You Think we can make someone feel better when they are having a bad day. Or, you Think we need to take on and share their emotional pain because they can't manage it on their own.

Empathize:
"We enjoy helping others. We like the fact that we want to help others. It's who we are! And, we don't want to hurt people's feelings by saying 'No' or not sharing in their misery with them."

"It is really scary to be open and honest with people. It is scary to be vulnerable. We will have to be open and honest, and people have hurt us in the past when we were brave and took the risk."

“You’re just trying to protect an Ashamed, Hopeless and Helpless Exile from coming out:
There is NOTHING I can do to make their day better or cheer them up? 
If he wants to be mad or leave, there is nothing I can say or do to stop it from happening?!
What do You mean I cannot Control another person?

Flawed strategy:
*Please read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie for an in depth explanation.
Why to stop CARETAKING & EMOTIONAL CARETAKING:
1. It DISempowers the person to learn and grow:
Ask yourself, “If the person cannot do this right now, can they really not learn to do it?” If they can learn, then we are caretaking/ emotional caretaking them if we do it for them.
                                 
2. I AM PUTTING THEIR NEEDS/ WANTS AHEAD OF MY OWN. This is not healthy to do for any capable person (child, teen or adult), and ...

3. #2 Breeds Resentment, and Resentment eventually destroys all relationships.* The challenge with resentment is that it starts off small, but grows large much quicker than we expect it to because of the "Law of Resentment:" However resentful I am towards a person, they are at least equally resentful towards me.

Replacement Strategies:
a) EMOTIONALLY DETACH (“Detach out of Love or Detach out of Anger. We all eventually Detach.”-Melody Beattie)
b) “Honest and Direct Communication is the Antidote to Codependent Traits.” (9/28/21 Blog) ...especially when we don't let our Angry, Resentful Advocate (#5) do the talking.
c) "Resolved Conflicts Bring People Closer Together." (7/22/2022  Blog)
d) "The Four Steps to Conflict Resolution" is how to have difficult conversations while Remaining in-Self.

5. “Victim”(p 114) = our Angry/ Resentful Part who is our #1 Advocate who
          who Blames others: project our Shame out onto someone else to not be wrong
                                     
Good Intention: You are the only Part who advocates for putting our needs and wants first! You are looking out for me and don’t want me to be hurt. If they are Wrong, I am not! You don't want me to shame myself, so you blame someone else. You're just trying to prevent me from Shame Spiraling by projecting my shame out onto them. 

Flawed strategy: 
a) We are DISempowering ourselves: If they are the bad guy doing this to me, I HAVE NO CONTROL. I am powerless to people and the world.
b) “When we point 1 finger, 3 are pointing back at us.”
c ) “Do I want to be Right? Or Happy?” I have every right to make them wrong, but I am sacrificing my happiness, my peace and my feeling in Control.
d) I am giving up my Feeling of Control: I am Powerless and Hopeless if everything is being done to me.

6. Anxious Part
Good intention: You just want us to Feel in Control. You think by planning for the worst you will PREVENT the worst from happening.

Flawed Strategy: You think you can Control things you Cannot and Never could. Trying to control things we never could control creates the Greatest Anxiety and Overwhelm. 

Challenge: What do you have Control over?
                         What don’t you have Control over??
                              We cannot control what other people say or do.

Replacement Strategies:
a) "Suffering = Pain x Resistance" = What I CANNOT Control          (see 11/3/2024 Blog) 
b) "Future Unknowns" (10/28/2020 blog):
     (5-20%) I DO have Control over
      vs
    (95-80%) I CANNOT Control = Turn it over and find a way to authentically TRUST things will work out in my favor 
      WHAT CAN I DO TO QUALITATIVELY PREPARE:
               Acknowledge the 90-95% that I CANNOT Control:
               vs Quantitatively Prepare [5-10%]:                                         

7. “Self-Like / Self-Imitating Part” (p 114-115)                        [Logical/ Analytical Part]
Good Intention: You are doing and saying all the right things AND you don’t want me to get hurt by Feeling the Uncomfortable/ Overwhelming Feelings. Survival mode. You are really good at assessing myself and others. You are a greater narrator of what our Parts are thinking and why. You even can identify the emotions a lot of the time.

Flawed strategy:
a) I feel disconnected.
b) We are not present and in the moment.
c) You are UNintentionally DISempowering me because you wants to protect us from feeling DIScomfort.
d) You don’t think we can handle our emotions: I’m scared to sit and feel the discomfort. e) You're INVALIDATING THE OTHER PARTS' FEELINGS because you're USING LOGIC to rationally replace other Parts' Fears and Worries: “How you think and feel is wrong" is your unintended messaging to the Parts by rushing to Replace (with probably a great replacement thought).
e) Quantitative cannot understand QUALitative: Feelings can only be Felt, they cannot be explained/ objectively measured.

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